Sometimes you get some great mail in the box at the end of the driveway. Today, I got my very own prayer handkerchief. I’m supposed to write my name and the name of someone who needs help, open my Bible to Acts 19:11-12, set the handkerchief on it, and put the whole assembly under my side of the bed tonight. Then I am supposed to mail the thing back to them tomorrow. Then the day after tomorrow I am supposed to break the seal on my special prophecy letter.
Basically, I received the letter and the handkerchief because the Holy Spirit told them to send it to me. They feel someone connected to this home needs God’s help and blessings (duh, we all do!) “One of our ministers is 90 years old, another is 89, and several are in their 70’s…we have more than 200 years of experience as ministers…and God is doing great things every day here at this half-a-century-old church.”
Woo. Half a century old. Wow. That’s a history. /sarcasm
One of the fun things about reading this is the number of times that the word “Bible” and “church” is inserted where it doesn’t fit. “Rush this Bible, church handkerchief back, for I must write something in the spirit to you that’s good and is coming to your door.” “When our 56-year-old Church receives this Bible handkerchief back…” “You are holding a church, Bible faith handkerchief.”
Also, they keep throwing in that line about how they’re 56 years old; it’s even printed on the back of the envelope.
You get to the second page of the letter and they start talking about how as long as I am sending them the “Bible church faith handkerchief” back I should prayerfully consider “sowing a seed of faith.” For the uninitiated, that means I should send them some money. The handkerchief by the way is a piece of paper with a cheesy printed border on both sides.
Another sheet in the mailing in full of “testimonies.” Testimonials include “my son got off dope,” “my husband stopped drinking,” and 5 of them are about receiving money unexpectedly. Do you smell some prosperity theology? I do.
Anyway, I am impatient so I decided to open my sealed prophecy letter. I’m gonna fry, because on the outside of my sealed prophecy letter it says that if I am not going to return my prayer handkerchief I should destroy it without reading it. My sealed prophecy says a bunch of horoscope sounding tripe about how I am facing a major decision and because I am now closer to God I will know what I am supposed to do, that I have the power to speak blessings into my own life and the lives of others, that my own inner power is building, and so on. Two or three more references to their age, 56 years, on this document too.
Well, for those who want to look a little deeper, this is from the St. Matthews Churches. From the photos on their website, the mimic Catholic vestments and accouterments pretty well, while at the same time maintaining a mega-church feel. A quick google search will show all the sites set up talking about the scam these guys are pulling.
Amazingly, the Holy Spirit things my name is “Resident.” Guess the Holy Spirit doesn’t know my name, just my address, so that’s all He gave to the church.
At least in the Catholic Church, our sacramentals have a basis in visionary messages, not to mention a much longer history.